Why the Name?

Beyond the Shore. 

Why such a name for my blog?

As I prepare to leave for Kailua Kona in ten days, I'm taking time to look back on all that God's done in my life to prepare my heart for this next step. He is so good! I shared this through my Facebook account last year. 

And this answers the question of why the name "Beyond the Shore."

"June 10, 2014

Just a little picture the Lord gave me:

I was standing at the edge of a sandy beach. The waves of the ocean were lapping up onto the shore, wetting just my toes. And Jesus was there in the water in front of me with His hand extended to me. He was asking me to follow Him. I took His hand and allowed Him to lead me into the water with Him. 

Trusting Him and ever holding His hand, I followed Him deeper and deeper into the water, farther and farther away from the shore. And the water got higher and higher as we walked. And then I stopped. I stopped, knowing that if I allowed Him to lead me any farther, I faced the risk of drowning. The water was so high now. I hesitated following Him farther into the deeper water, farther out into the ocean. 

I was faced with a decision. I could turn around then and return to the shore where it was safe. Or I could take His hand where He extended it to me again and take my faith to a new place as I trusted Him not to let me drown. 

This is where I've been the past few days. Hesitating there in the water between the shore and the deeper, vast ocean of the unknown. Hesitating in that place of decision where I must make a choice. To turn around and go back or to take my faith and my trust to a whole new level it's never been, unknowing of what I might face ahead as a result. 

This morning, I'm not hesitating anymore. I've made my decision. I've chosen. I'm taking His hand again, drawing a deep breath and finding my strength and my courage, and allowing Him to lead me deeper and deeper. I don't know what's up ahead, what I'm going to encounter farther into the ocean waters away from the shore. But I'm taking my faith and my trust in Him to a new level and believing that whatever is ahead, He won't let me drown. 

Maybe this was just for me or maybe it was for someone else as well. But if this resonates and you find yourself hesitating in the water, please realize that you can't stay there forever. A choice needs to be made. Whether to turn around or to go farther into the ocean waters with Him. If you choose the latter, remember that His hand will always be there to hold onto. You won't be going alone. 

So I ask you. Which direction are you going to move in?"

And I decided that day, a year and a half ago, that I was going to take His hand and walk by faith and trust into the unknown deeper waters... beyond the shore. And that decision has brought me here where I am today, about to embark on one of the greatest steps of faith I've known yet.

Poolside Proverbs

Yesterday I had my first swim lesson. Not with a certified swim instructor, but with the woman who has taught me most of what I know. Because here's the truth of it: I can't swim. 

It isn't because I was ever afraid of swimming, although I'm still not keen on having my face underwater. But growing up, I just never received an opportunity to learn. 

Still, never learning how to swim was one of my biggest regrets in life. Growing up, it caused me to miss out on a lot of birthday parties, a lot of summer parties, a lot of sleepovers, making up excuses not to go because I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I was past grade school and I didn't know how to swim. It was one of my biggest secrets. I never told my parents how embarrassed it made me feel and I never told people that I couldn't swim. I wanted to learn, but I also didn't want to because I was too ashamed to ask for anyone to teach me. My pride just wouldn't let me. 

But I'm going to Hawaii in two weeks. To an island, a place completely surrounded by water known for its beaches, its surfing, its snorkeling, and its scuba diving. A place where it would kind of be helpful to know how to swim. At least a little bit. So yesterday I tried learning how. And I learned a lot from it. 

I acquired a massive new respect for great swimmers and divers because they must have some STRONG muscles. Just sayin'. That stuff is WORK! I was so sore this morning. Talk about good exercise!

I learned that water and eyeliner don't mix well. 

I learned what an essential part of life water is. We drink it, we bathe in it, we float around in it for fun. What a marvelous invention God made of H2O molecules!

I learned that I LOVE water and that I love being IN the water. (That makes me basically a mermaid, right?)

I learned that sure, I can't swim like an Olympic swimmer can. I can't be a lifeguard or a swim instructor or a certified diver. But you know what? There are some things that I know how to do that an Olympic swimmer can't. I learned that there's no reason in the world why we should ever feel ashamed for not knowing how to do something or not knowing answers. That's silly. We can't compare our skills and abilities to anyone else's. There's always new things we all have to learn and we shouldn't ever be embarrassed or afraid of other people's opinions or judgement to ask for help or for instruction. That thing you've been wanting to try? Go for it. You're never too old and no one else is going to chase down that dream for you. 

I learned that sometimes- dare I say, a lot of times- God calls us to places that we aren't necessarily prepared for in the moment. He calls us to places and things that take us from our comfort zone and that sometimes require us to learn new things. Maybe a new language, a new skill, a new culture. Or that maybe requires us to allow Him to do a new work in our hearts and cultivate in us a new character quality or fruit of the Spirit. I know He's had to work in my heart a lot of humility this year for me to be ready to serve Him in Hawaii. The things He calls us do and the places He leads us to go aren't always easy- change is difficult, especially if you never anticipated it- but like in water, we have to learn to simply trust Him, stop fighting, and allow the current of His Spirit to move us. He knows what He's doing. 

I learned that mastering new skills is sometimes more difficult as an adult than it is as a child. Because as adults, we're so logical. We get so caught up in our heads, trying to rationalize everything in our own happy little worlds. Always trying to find balance and reason and make sense. But sometimes, that doesn't always work. Like with breathing: breathing is so natural, but if you stop and focus on it, you set your natural breathing pattern off. Like with swimming: your body mass will float in water, but if you think too much about it, trying too hard to float, you'll sink every time. Like with God: so many people reject believing in Him simply because they can't reason out His ways. The ways of the Lord are mysterious sometimes and force us to have faith and just to trust. It isn't for us to always have the answers and muddle over, trying to make sense in our limited human minds things that are supernatural and of an unearthly realm. And even like with opportunities and love: the Lord may open doors in our lives or bring someone into our path, but we get so distracted, focusing so much on it and overthinking, that we lose courage and miss them entirely. 

And I learned that "Rome wasn't built in a day." I didn't learn to be a great swimmer yesterday. I can do a mean "motorboat" kick across the pool with a kick board now, I learned a breaststroke, and I came pretty close to swimming a few strides on my own without anyone or anything to balance my front end. But I still can't swim. After three hours straight spent in the water, my body was tired. I didn't have the core strength, the energy, or mainly, the practice to keep afloat. And at first, that was really hard for me. I couldn't kick my legs one more time, I was exhausted and my muscles burned so badly, but I didn't wanna leave. Because I had gone there to learn to swim and I hadn't learned yet. But I had to remind myself to release the impossible expectations of my perfectionism and to be gentle and patient with myself. Maybe I'll come back from Hawaii with more practice and know how to swim, but nobody learns in one day. It wasn't for lack of trying and it wasn't for lack of intelligence, I had to remind myself. I'm a fast learner- I learned as much as I did within the first hour- but I physically wasn't capable of learning to swim well all in one afternoon. I think all of us can lean toward a tendency sometimes to be too hard on ourselves, be it in skills or abilities or performance or in spiritual growth. But the Lord is always loving and patient with us in our learning and training and becoming more like Him. "As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust." Psalm 103:13&14 So why shouldn't we be gentle with ourselves as well?

We all have a journey. Some of us are farther along in that journey than others but we all have a past from whence we came. Life is about celebrating the small victories and milestones of that journey one step at a time and taking pride in how far we've come, who we've become, and who we're still becoming. Be kind to yourself. And remember that every journey begins with the first step.

I'm so deeply thankful for the person He's slowly made me into this year and for all that He has planned yet to do in my life. Revving up now for an adventure with Him that I know is going to change me forever. 

God Who Knows the Unknown

July 9, 2015

I can't believe I'm doing this. Strange, but my heart feels like it's been there before already and I'm only returning for a second visit. I can't believe that I'm finally going to see things that until now, I've only dreamed about seeing for myself someday. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. Am I crazy? Is this a whim? Maybe. But it's what I feel God calling me to right now and I have to follow that call. I have to chase this dream, this passion that God's put on my heart and see where it leads me. And I honestly don't know where that will be. But life is full of mysteries to be uncovered. Of paths to follow and risks to be taken. Of chances to take, trusting in a God who knows the unknown. 

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving. 

Has it really been a full year already? 

This season, as many people, I've been contemplating thankfulness and blessings, and I have so much to thank the Lord for. I have seen His hand in my life so powerfully and so intimately this year, and I have watched Him pour out blessings upon my family and me. This has been a richly favorable year for us in change and growth and love and memories.  

But in the midst of so much I could thank the Lord for, a group of senior citizens taught me how much I also take for granted. 

Last Saturday morning, I awoke with no official plans for the day and another weekend to myself what with my parents still gone on their cruise. So I decided to give a few hours of my Saturday to serving. I was severely tempted to stay in my warm bed and sleep, but I was convicted. I'm the girl who wants to move to Hawaii to serve in outreach. But I won't even wake up early and sacrifice three hours of my weekend to serve in my own hometown? So I woke up earlier than usual, picked up my usual Saturday morning chicken biscuit and hugged my coworker friends, and I drove to Downtown Atlanta. To the Atlanta Dream Center. 

I had never been to the Dream Center before but when I was younger, my church used to take a group down there to serve. I was out of my comfort zone there. Drastically. I never go to Atlanta, much less on my own. I never serve with urban ministries and outreach to low-income areas. And I didn't know a single soul there. I hadn't even submitted an RSVP for their Adopt-a-Block event like I was supposed to have. I just showed up. My inexperience even would've gotten my car towed had it not been for the kind volunteers who informed me that I had parked in an unacceptable space: once in a tow zone, the other blocking a florist shop driveway on the street. 

Something was there though. The tall buildings looked old and dingy and dirty. Graffiti wouldn't have surprised me. The roads were not in the best condition and iron bars were on the windows of the Dream Center. Parking for the Center was right in front of the ministry buildings or I otherwise would've felt wary of walking far alone. Overhead the sky was gray and clouded, casting the urban area in a cold pale light. 

And I felt something there. I felt a darkness in that place as soon as I stepped out of my car. I didn't feel in danger from anything in the physical, but I felt something imminent and threatening to me in the spiritual realm. Something that I feared might manifest itself in the physical.

I looked up at the buildings around me and an eeriness overcame me to realize that inside those buildings, in the backstreets of the heart of Atlanta, women and young teenage girls were selling their bodies to men every single day, either by choice or by slavery. There was a darkness to that side of the city that few people saw. It made me shiver and cringe. 

The people from the Dream Center were kind and welcoming to my joining them even though I hadn't submitted an RSVP. I signed a waiver, which I didn't read but which I assumed essentially claimed that if I got abducted or assaulted or injured in any way, it wasn't the organization's fault. The church was cozy and inviting, and we gathered all together into a warehouse-looking room for a brief time of worship. 

But I still felt in my spirit something there, and it terrified me. It made me want to jump into my car and drive away from that place as fast as I could. Something, or should I say someone, didn't want me there. 

I turned to spiritual battle, and I prayed against that evil spirit of darkness that I felt surrounding me. I prayed against it. And when I closed my eyes, I saw a vision of myself surrounded by a bubble of light. Against that bubble of light pressed a wall of darkness, trying to drive the light back. 

I realized that sometimes we'll never know how bright a light really is until it's placed in the darkness. You can't see the influence of a candle glowing until you see how far its realm of light extends into the dark. And my spirit was strengthened and encouraged because I realized that I had a Light to shine and a gift for shining it effectively to those around me.  

That heaviness and darkness I felt left, and after the worship, I joined two young ladies- students at the school there- and an elderly woman in going to visit a group of senior citizens. 

Lija and I rode with Jordan to the high-rise home where the seniors lived, arriving some time before Miss Ruby did. Many of the elderly were shut-ins and looked forward every week to the Atlanta Dream Center volunteers' visit. We gathered in a circle with a group of about ten black elderly Christian men and women. I won't lie, as a Caucasian-Puerto Rican in a society that is so quick to create racial tension, I felt culturally stretched from my comfort zone. But it was good. I needed that. I might feel like a minority often in Hawaii. 

We read Scripture together and taught on meekness and humility. We brought them food- bread and pies and fruit- and new toothbrushes. We shared about our weeks. We introduced ourselves and shared something about our lives. 

We went around the room sharing one thing that the Lord had done in our lives that week that we were thankful for. 

And the seniors' thanksgiving all had a common thread: they were thankful for life. They were thankful for health and for a sound mind. They were thankful for another day that they had woken up and were given the opportunity to live. 

And it challenged me. It challenged me of how much I take granted the simple things that matter the most. Like food on my table. A roof over my head. A family and good friends. A car. A job. 

Life. The very essence of breath in my lungs and every morning I awake, the chance to see another day dawn with the colors of the sunrise.

I initially questioned my calling to serve with the impoverished when my eyes had seen reality for the first time that morning. I had questioned fearfully what in the world I was doing, going to Hawaii with a desire to minister to the homeless. But by that afternoon, I felt so fulfilled. I fell in love with the sweet seniors, so welcoming, so accepting, so loving. I enjoyed the group I served with and I formed a new friendship with Lija over sipping apple juice together back at the Dream Center before I headed back into the suburbs. 

I had gone to serve and to be a blessing. But I was blessed. Tremendously. 

And this Thanksgiving, I'm challenged to give thanks for the simple things. 

To give thanks for the beautiful gift of life and for the precious gift of Christ's blood on the cross that I may have life and eternal life abundant.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10

"For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23

Fear Not

The first two weeks after receiving the happy news that I had been accepted to the Kokua Crew were difficult for me. 

Because the truth was, I wasn't excited about going. 

I should've been. I mean, I was going to Hawaii for three months! Who wouldn't be excited?!

Everyone I spoke to was excited for me. They asked me if I was excited and I told them "yes" because it was partly true. So many people congratulated me and shared well wishes on my going and encouragement for my time there. 

But I struggled to feel their excitement for me. 

Because for me, it was bittersweet. More bitter than sweet. And it was terrifying to me.  

I fell asleep one night while writing my thoughts and my feelings, and the emotions flowing through my mind and heart in those two weeks is captured beautifully in this raw and unfinished expression:

"Life. What an odd journey this thing is called Life. How strange it is. This gift, this cycle, that the Lord has given each of us for our time here on this earth. 

I've been introspective lately. Maybe that's what happens when you're entering a transition season. 

Transition. How strange it is too to realize that I'm entering a season of transition. Of moving from one place to another and building a new life even if only for three months. 

The truth is, that word scares me. Transition. The truth is, I'm afraid of moving to Hawaii. That's why, when so many people around me are telling me that it'll be like a vacation, begging me to take them with me, reminding me of what a paradise Hawaii is, sometimes I stay solemn and silent. Because it's very easy to say that until you're the one moving away alone from everything and everyone you know. 

While I'm in Hawaii, life will almost come to a stop for me. I'll be busy serving, I'll be in a gorgeous new place, I'll be meeting new people and making new friends. 

But life won't stop here at home just because I'm not here. And that realization struck me with full force last weekend. While I'm gone, life here at home will continue rushing on as speedily as ever. And I wonder how much I'll miss. 

I'm going to be different when I come home after those three months. I know that. But life here at home will be different too. My niece is going to change so much and learn so many new things while I'm gone. My sister's house will probably look different. What milestones will my friends cross that I won't be here to be a part of? Will they make new friends while I'm gone? Maybe begin seeing someone special? What family outings will I not be included in? What places will my parents go that I'm not with them? Another teacher will be teaching my preschool class at church. Another employee will be filling my responsibilities at work. It will be the new normal for my parents, having my bedroom empty.  

Right now, I have so many people supporting me. Congratulating me. Making me promise to share pictures. Praying for me. Telling me that I'll be missed. 

My family and my closest girlfriends will always miss me and think of me and pray for me. I know that. But what about the others? I ask myself. 

I know how it goes. There's so much support and enthusiasm in sending off a person to a new place to serve the Lord. Prayers are lifted up on their behalf daily. Encouragement is sent often for the first few weeks. Then it slowly begins to wane. Your name becomes lower on the prayer list. The messages of encouragement become less frequent and more scattered. Your absence becomes still noticed on occasion, but your presence no longer leaves an ache of missing. Enthusiasm fades- it's your passion, not theirs- and life goes on as normal with its usual routine and usual tasks day in and day out. 

For all but the person who left.

I don't want to be that person. I'm terribly afraid of being that person. I'm afraid of being forgotten. I don't want to be forgotten. 

I think of transition. Transition of when I come home again. I don't know what scares me more: moving to Hawaii or coming back. Life will have changed and continued without me. How does anyone leave everything he knows for months at a time and return, slipping right back in among his old friends, his family, his old home, his old church. You can't. 

Thinking of coming home again after being gone makes me feel lonely. Lonely and misplaced and lost and left out. It makes me question where I'll fit any more. And I don't like that feeling. Where will I belong?

A year and a half ago, January of last year, I thought I could imagine what those feelings felt like. What emotions you experience. Now I know that I had no idea. And maybe unless you've moved to Hawaii and come home, you can't know. I'm not sure."

This was reality.

This is what was on my heart. I cried in those first weeks. I felt so alone and I feared being misplaced and lonely. I feared the unknown of going to a strange place. 

And that's when October 1st, the Lord spoke to my heart. 

It was late at night. I was lying in bed alone in the darkness of my bedroom, staying up until one or two o'clock in the morning because I was scheduled to work a short later shift at my job the next day. I was blogging when the thought came to my mind to search YouTube for any videos about the Kokua Crew or about YWAM Kona. 

To my delight, I found a few videos. One of which was a campus tour video a DTS (Discipleship Training School) student had made several years ago and another video made showing how one group of DTS students had spent their free weekends in Kona. 

http://youtu.be/WZWv1ckUmwM 

http://youtu.be/9-6U23D1Fo8

And as I watched those videos, something came over me. A feeling of peace. Of familiarity. Of belonging.

Of excitement. 

I was taken back to two and a half years ago. To the summer, fall, and winter of 2013. Back to when the Lord first turned my attention to Hawaii and drew my heart to that place. From the very beginning that May 8th, 2013, I had longed to go there myself. It had felt familiar. My heart belonged there. 

And somewhere in the process of that becoming a reality- of becoming so distracted by work and by the busyness of my life and by my finances and by focusing so much on the fear and anxiety- I had forgotten those feelings that I had once felt.

Those videos reminded me. The Lord brought me back to that moment in time when I knew that I needed to go to Hawaii. He reawakened that excitement and fervent passion that had become buried until it burned again so brilliantly in my heart. Until I fell in love again with the calling He was drawing me to. 

Because what was I so afraid of? I'm not going to a strange place, He reminded me. I'm going home. 

Georgia will always be my childhood home, the place where I grew up. It's the place where my family is. It'll always be the answer to the question of where I'm from. But for the past two and a half years, it hasn't been home to my heart. My heart has been in Hawaii. 

Much like two people can fall in love through an exchange of letters, learning about each other before ever meeting, so I've fallen in love with this place as I've learned about it. And now I'm finally going to meet it. I'm going to finally see it with my own eyes. I'm going to finally experience it for myself with all of my senses. 

Georgia will always hold a piece of my heart. But I don't belong here anymore. It isn't where I belong. It isn't where I'm meant to be right now. My heart calls home that group of islands far off in the Pacific Ocean. Hawaii is my home now. 

I'm going to be working full-time, forty hours a week, Monday through Friday, sure. But even in the midst of serving, I'll be with the Lord. Basically, I'm going on a three-month retreat of spending time with Jesus in one of the most beautiful places on the face of the earth. I'm going to a place where so many people only dream of going and would give so much to see for themselves. 

And for me, my heart's gone before me. This is not a strange place I go to. This is Hawaii. My Hawaii. This is Home. 

My Home. 

I'm going home. 

What am I so afraid of? Where the Lord leads me, I will follow. Where He stays, I will stay. I have nothing to fear. 

He knew the plans He has for my life before I was even conceived. None of this has taken Him by surprise. While I was still in my mother's womb, He looked at me and said "This one's going to Hawaii." That blows my mind. 

I'm so excited to meet the new friends He has for me over there. I'm so excited to serve the people He has for me to serve there. I'm so excited to sit at the Banyan Tree cafe and write letters and blog posts for my family and friends back home. I'm excited to linger in the 24/7 prayer room in my free time, my own personal IHOP (International House of Prayer- my special place here at home). I'm excited to find my own new special places there to get away for quiet time and prayer. I'm excited to learn the new things He has planned for me to learn and to grow in the ways He plans to grow me. And I'm so excited to stand at the edge of the ocean and be overwhelmed time again by His magnificence and the depth of His love. 

(And I'm excited to leave behind this cold Georgia winter weather! ;) )

I'm excited to discover why of all of the places in this big wide world we live in, He's called me to the little state of Hawaii, United States of America. 

And why in the world me.

A petite, Puerto Rican-Caucasian, twenty-one-year-old young woman who has never been anywhere outside of the mainland USA. 

Why me?

And why now? 

I'm excited to find out. 

"Pray then like this: 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.'" Matthew 6:9&10

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139:13-16

Beloved

I woke up in the middle of the night last night with this song in my head. So I decided to play it and listen to it. And as I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling in the darkness, tears came to my eyes and I began weeping. 

Because I got a vision as I listened to this song. There are so many things that I'm excited about doing and seeing in Hawaii, but this is one of the things that I long for most. 

I want to stand at the edge of the ocean, my toes deep in the sand, the wind on my face, and water as far as I can see. And I want to be reminded of how incredibly small I am in this world. But of how indescribably great His love still is for me. I want to be overwhelmed by His love. I want to drown in His presence. 

Friends, we chase after so many things. We turn to so many things to fulfill us. To consume our time and attention. Things that one day will all pass away. Things and people that can never fulfill us and love us as we were created to be loved. 

When all the while, the Lord is right there. Standing by, watching, with arms wide open. 

The parallel of Hosea and his wife the prostitute Gomer has been on my heart lately. Because do we really realize- really really get in our spirit fully- how much He loves us? He LOVES us. 

He sees us chase after other loves, after the things of this world, after the temporal pleasures it has to offer. He sees us and despite our ugly past mistakes, despite our complicated present situations, despite how many times we turn our eyes away to other things, He's still there and He still longs for us. 

We don't have to do a thing. We don't have to chase after Him or earn His love. We don't have to prove ourselves worthy of it. 

All He wants is to love us. If we'll only accept His love. He only wants our love and our hearts. Fully. All of our heart. Not only a meager portion as we turn to other things to fill us. 

But instead, we treat Him as a second option. As a backup plan for when things go wrong and don't turn out right in our eyes. When He should be first! He needs to be first in our lives. He wants to be first in our hearts. 

He delights in us and longs for us, friends. He wants you and me. And when we truly get that in our spirit, it should wake us up in the night. It should bring us to our knees and it should cause us to weep. Because His love is that great for us. 

He only wants to love us lavishly and to receive our passionate love and devotion in return. If we'll only stop chasing after the loves and distractions that can never satisfy our souls and turn to the One Who is divine Love and the only One able to love us and fulfill us as He created us to be. 

"My beloved speaks and says to me: 'Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away, for behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. The fig tree ripens its figs, and the vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance. Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.'" Song of Solomon 2:10-13

http://youtu.be/diMZ3ucq24g

Kokua Crew

So where am I now?

New Year's Eve, I leave on a plane flight bound for Kona, Hawaii. I'll be living in the volunteer dormitories of the YWAM base at a Christian university called the University of the Nations. I'll be working in a practical department on the university campus (I'll learn what main department I'll serve in once I arrive there) and in exchange for my labor, my room, my meals, and my board will be provided for. I'll work for eight hours a day, Monday through Friday, from seven o'clock in the morning until three o'clock in the afternoon with breakfast and devotional meetings prior to the start of the work day and an hour lunch break amidst the day. Weekends are free for resting and leisure time and affordable tours of the island and spiritual conferences are offered from the university. 

I'll be staying in a room with two or three other girls as my roommates. The group of us volunteers will be picked up and driven in a van to the university campus every day for work and services. There are weekly worship services which as a member of the Kokua Crew, I will be required to attend (gladly!). 

I'll be six hours' time behind my family and friends in Georgia on the eastern coast. 

I'll return back to Georgia on March 21st after three months of living in Hawaii. Three months was ideal in my opinion. I've never been to Hawaii and I've never been away from my family before but I also wanted to be gone long enough so that some of the novelty will fade into real life for me there and so that I'll have to stay faithful to my commitment and remain there past the stage of homesickness. Three months seemed a practical length of time for me to "get my feet wet" so to speak. 

However, I am praying and hoping for the Lord to forge connections for me there and to open doors of opportunity for me to return again for a much longer period of time in the future. In the near future. 

Whoever you are reading this blog, perhaps you know me personally or perhaps you've simply stumbled upon my story here, your prayers regardless would be appreciated! I'm excited and I'm looking ahead eagerly to all that God has in store planned to reveal for me there. 

For more information about YWAM Kona, the University of the Nations, and the Kokua Crew, check out their website and FAQ section at www.uofnkona.edu/volunteers.

My Story: Preparations

My course was set for the coming year. I made a game plan:

Step 1. Learn Hawaiian

Step 2. Exercise

Step 3. Get My License

Step 4. Get A Job

Step 5. Get A Car

Step 6. Save $5,000

Step 7. Go to Hawaii

They became my New Year's resolutions. 

But first was one of the most important steps. To talk to my parents. It was time to tell them about what God was calling me to do. It wasn't just a "someday" anymore. It was now. 

I was so nervous. I have some of the best, most understanding parents in the world. They've always been my cheerleaders, my biggest fans, they've always supported my dreams. But this was different. I was the youngest child in the family which meant that when I left, it would truly be just the two of them at home and that would be lonely. None of us in my family had ever been to Hawaii. We didn't have close friends or family over there. Hawaii would be the farthest I had ever traveled. I had never traveled alone before. I had never done any missions work and working with the homeless can be a very dangerous thing for a young girl. I had never been away from my family at all. Sure, my older sisters had been on short-term missions trips before to other countries, but this wasn't a missions trip I was talking about: this was moving to a new place. My older sisters had moved away to different states for their college education, but Hawaii was so much farther away than Tennessee or Florida. I honestly didn't know how my parents would react to the idea. 

So I prayed. 

I expected my parents would need time to accept the idea. I knew I would go to Hawaii, but I also knew that God would never call me to dishonor my parents by going against their blessing. So I would continue praying for the Lord to open their hearts until they were in agreement with my going. That's the route that I purposed in my mind. 

I began praying. I began praying that if it was truly the Lord's will for me to go to Hawaii, that He would go before me and already begin preparing my parents' hearts to be open and receptive to the news I had to share with them. My best friend Lina began praying with me as well. 

Then the evening came when I decided to talk to my mom and dad. I asked to talk to them and we sat down in our family room after dinner. Like any formal family meetings, it was uncomfortable and anxiety-rousing. For me because I had to break the radical news to my parents that I wanted to move to Hawaii. And for my parents because, coming from their wide-eyed daredevil daughter, my news could be anything. 

As soon as we were gathered together though, before I said a word, my perceptive mother asked, "Where are you going?"

My dad light-heartedly followed her question with "She's going to do missions in Hawaii," referencing to a dream I had shared with them only days before in which I had been serving in missions work there. 

The tone was set for my news and I shared my passion and my heart with them for serving in Hawaii. I shared what I felt the Lord calling me to do. 

"Well, it's sad for us, but I think it'll be a great thing for you," my dad told me. "We would never keep you from doing what God's calling you to do," my mom said. 

I felt tears of happiness and relief finding their way forward, but I held them back. I love my parents so much and having their blessing and support for me to pursue what I knew I needed to do was one of the happiest feelings I could imagine in that moment. 

I celebrated New Year's Eve with the strange knowledge that in the coming year, I would be moving to a new place. 

But after New Year's Day, I knew the real work began. And my new year began with a jump start, launching with full speed ahead into my plan of getting to Hawaii. 

By the second week of January, I was on a strict daily exercise routine of conditioning my heart's endurance and of strengthening my arm and core muscles. I wasn't looking to be toned and to look like a fitness model. I just wanted to get my body in good shape to serve the Lord better. ...It was brutal. I both love and hate exercising. 

I wrote out on sheets of paper all of the Native Hawaiian words I had learned in the past two years and I assigned myself new vocabulary words to work on. I taped the long list on the back of my bedroom door to see every morning and I made flash cards for myself to help me memorize the words and their definitions.

   Words, words, words! So many words! 

After more diligent practice, devoting hours to driving with my parents, February 5th, I took my driver's test and earned my driver's license. 

The next day, I began researching open positions at dozens of stores in the local areas and began submitting applications online to those that were hiring. 

        Job-searching: a job of its own 

February 16th, just over a week later, I was the very proud owner of a beautiful red Altima sedan thanks to the blessing of the Lord and the generosity and love of my father. 

     My Nissan Altima Leilani. My first car.

After two years of feeling at a stand-still for me, life was now moving speedily ahead. 

On March 31st, through much trust and a testimony of its own, I was hired for my first full-time job. I was an employee at Chick-fil-A and the Lord couldn't have placed me in a better position to shape my character, grow me spiritually, and prepare me in multiple aspects for the next season of my life. 

I learned how to serve the Lord in what we often think of as menial tasks. I learned that a true godly leader models for others humility by being himself a servant. I learned humility. I learned to love people abundantly and unconditionally. I learned how to allow the joy of the Lord through me to change the atmosphere around me whatever conditions I find myself in. And I learned how to serve the Lord even when the praise and gratitude and admiration of men isn't present. 

My job led me to meet my first real guy friends and to be blessed by their friendship. Through those friends, I met a group of people that would invest in me and help me prepare my heart spiritually for going to Hawaii. They helped me grow and become more rooted in a foundation of the truth of God's Word. 

The Lord blessed me with favor at my job from the first day: within my first two months there, I was on the marketing team as our brand manager's assistant, engaging in hosting birthday parties, designing promotion displays, selling food at community events, leading backstage restaurant tours, caring for all of the flowers in the restaurant, and gaining public relations experience. By my fifth month there, I received a sizable pay raise and was evaluated as a certified trainer for training new employees. 

  $4.04: the first of my savings for Hawaii

But between trying to balance my work life and my personal life, my weeks were kept incredibly busy and even stressful at times. It was difficult amidst all of the distractions to find time to stop and to reconnect with my passion to serve in Hawaii. 

Yet when I would steal away alone, close my eyes and lift my head to the heavens, I would feel the Lord's presence surround me, and in the stillness, I would still hear that voice within me calling me far away to a place I've never known. 

And I knew nothing would silence it. 

The summer was quickly fading away and with it, the year itself. I had five months left to my year. And I knew it was time. It was time to begin inquiries. 

I searched online for serving opportunities on the different islands, I sent several emails, I corresponded with different people. 

And that's how I found YWAM Kona. 

My parents and I prayed and researched, and after sensing no qualms in our spirits about my applying to the three-month Kokua Crew volunteer program, I submitted my application online on August 30th. 

I shared my vision with my pastor and he submitted a reference form for me. Then the waiting began. 

One week passed, and I hadn't heard from any of the YWAM staff. The doubts and the worry began creeping in. Everyone was so confident that I would be accepted. What if I wasn't? I knew it wouldn't be a dead end for me. It would only be a setback, an obstacle. I would still go to Hawaii somehow, some way. But it wouldn't be this year and I had no idea how I would go there. 

I continued praying though. Praying that if it was the Lord's will, He would allow me to find favor with the staff at YWAM Kona and to be accepted. 

It was the evening of Friday, September 11th, when I received an email in my Gmail inbox. They wanted to schedule a time to speak with me on the phone.

We spoke on the telephone on a Wednesday afternoon, September 16th. I was so nervous as I sat on my bed, awaiting their call. To calm my nerves, I began praying and worshipping the Lord to a new song by John Waller I had discovered called "Crazy Faith." As I sat there on my bed, eyes closed and hands raised to the Lord in surrender, my iPhone rang. My heart beat fast as I answered, and a pleasant woman's voice came through the speaker on the other end. We talked. I confirmed my agreement with all of the details of serving on the Kokua Crew. "Well, you're accepted," the woman told me at the close of our conversation. She sounded so kind. It blew my mind to think that I was talking with someone so far away where I would soon be myself. "It sounds like you really have a servant's heart and that's beautiful. I think you're going to be a blessing to us and I'm excited to meet you in person too."

I felt ready to explode with excitement and relief when our call ended. I ran downstairs to the kitchen to tell my mother that I had been accepted and I began texting everyone who knew of my scheduled phone interview. I couldn't stop smiling and praising Jesus, thanking Him over and over again. It was as real and sure as it could be. No doubting, no uncertainty, no "maybe's." It was for sure now. 

I was really and truly going to Hawaii. 

My Story: The Calling

As time wore on, my passion and my burden to serve in Hawaii grew stronger. The months of summer, fall, and winter of 2013 had passed and a new year was beginning. 

It had been almost nine months since my passion for Hawaii had awakened and change was entering my life with the new year dawning. I expected my enthusiasm and interest in Hawaii to fade with that change. But to my surprise, it didn't. 

Instead, it continued growing stronger. 

It grew stronger than it had ever been before. 

I was still unemployed, working part-time as a nanny and as an occasional babysitter for families in my church as needed. I didn't have my driver's license. I didn't have my own car. I didn't have a steady job. I didn't have any plans to go to college. 

I had no idea what the Lord wanted me to do with my life. I was restless and I wanted to be busy with plans and pursuit of a career, but I knew that I hadn't heard any guidance and direction yet from God as to what He wanted me to do and I had made the mistake in the past of trying to control my own life and go my own way, moving before He had called me to. I wouldn't do that again. I heard so many times by people the analogy that "God can't turn a parked car." And I knew it was true. But I also knew in my spirit that I was supposed to be patient and simply wait in a season of trusting Him and His timing until I heard Him instructing me to move forward in a direction He called me. 

So I waited. Patiently at times, impatiently at others. But I waited. And as I waited, I continued preparing for the time I would spend someday serving in Hawaii. 

Like the year before, it was again an incredibly difficult and intense year for me spiritually, but Christmas was soon near approaching at the end of the year. 2014 was drawing quickly to a close. 

          Palm trees in Orlando, Florida

As usual, my family drove down to Florida the second weekend of December for our annual family Christmas gathering, and as I sat in the backseat of our rental car, I watched out the side window as dusk began settling outside. I watched palm trees silhouette darkened against the sunset hues at the horizon. And I felt homesick. Very very homesick. But not for Georgia. There was something about Florida that seemed more similar to Hawaii than Georgia was. It made me think of going to Hawaii. And I felt a terrible ache in the depths of somewhere within me. I needed to go there. I needed to go there badly. There was something burning inside of me, calling me there. A burning that I couldn't ignore or deny or satisfy and it almost brought me to tears. How was I to live with that inside of me being denied expression and fulfillment?

It was December 23rd, just over a week later. It was a Tuesday morning. I was alone in my bedroom fixing my bed after a night's sleep when suddenly, I heard what I had been waiting for for over a year to hear. After such a long season of waiting on Him and in the midst of His seeming silence, trying to hold onto faith and trust and belief that He would direct my path when the time was right, I finally heard the Lord's still small voice whisper again to my spirit. But I didn't want to hear what He had to say. 

He was calling me forward. It was time to move again and become active. To begin pursuit. The waiting was over. 

It was time to go to Hawaii. 

I had expected it to be years before I would see the shores of the Hawaiian Islands. I had never expected to go alone. But the Lord was calling me to begin preparing to go there for a season in the coming year. 

I wrote later that day my thoughts on the matter: "When God called me to missions work in Hawaii, I cried. I got a headache. I got really solemn and really down. I felt a huge weight suddenly on my mind realizing the magnitude of that decision of what I had to do. I sighed a lot. 'What am I gonna do? Oh, man. This is bad. This is really bad.' But I felt an incredible peace in my spirit and a release of all of that terrible pent-up and suppressed passion in my heart from the past year and a half."

I cried. I didn't want to go. My initial reaction wasn't joy and excitement. I was scared. So scared. And I didn't wanna leave my family and my friends and my home to go to a strange place by myself. 

But at the same time, an indescribable peace swept over me as I chose to surrender my life and my own will once again to His will and I submitted myself to preparing to serve in Hawaii in the coming year. I cried again. Not from sorrow of everyone and everything I would be leaving behind, but instead from incredible relief as finally... finally that passion so intense and fiery within my heart could be released and pour forth as the love and light of God for the people in Hawaii for His glory. 

In 2015, I was going to Hawaii. 

My Story: Growing Seeds

Hawaii. Our 50th state. What comes to mind when you hear that word? Hawaii. 

Warm sandy beaches, tall coconut palms swaying in the breeze, clear blue skies, crystal clear water, the sound of the waves rolling in from the ocean. Moisture in the air, afternoon sun-showers, colorful print shirts, flower leis, steel drum music and ukuleles and slack key guitar music. Grass skirts and hula dancers. Waterfalls and lush mountains. Rocky cliffs to jump from into the sea. Fragrant plumeria and vibrant hibiscus. Green sea turtles. Surfboards, paddle-boarding, snorkeling, scuba diving, whale-watching. White foamy wave crests. Black volcanic ash beaches. Fiery sunsets of gold and amber, violet and pink. Tiki huts, tiki torches, and fancy tropical drinks. Hammocks on the beach. Expensive five-star resorts. Booming tourism. Mild weather year-round. Culture. Ohana. "Shaka." The Aloha spirit. Diversity. Poi and poke and Spam musubi and luaus and malsadas. Fresh tropical fruits like coconuts, pineapples, bananas, mangos, guava, and papaya. So many shave ice flavors to choose from on a hot Hawaiian day. Diamond Head, Waikiki Beach, Honolulu, Road to Hana, Molokini Crater, Mauna Kea, the Dole Pineapple Plantation. Maybe a picturesque beach-scape of a postcard or a calendar photo. Beautiful scenery to take your breath away. 

For most, that's what comes to mind when they hear "Hawaii." It used to be what first came to my mind. And yes, Hawaii is all of that. And yes, I still think of Hawaii as all of that. It's a special and unique place unlike any other state. But when I hear "Hawaii" now, my first thought isn't necessarily a tropical paradise or romantic getaway of rest and relaxation anymore. 

Monday morning, May 8th, 2013, I promised the Lord that if He ever called me to move to Hawaii for missions work someday, I would go. 

Yet, I found it a strange place that God would call me to missions work in. Hawaii was a hub of tourism. It was "paradise." It was a major vacation destination. That's all I had thought of it as; that was all I had ever heard of it being. I found it difficult to see any real need or opportunity for missions work. 

That said, I began to doubt. I began to question if it was really the Lord calling me there. If this was really His idea or another one of my own. So I began research, searching the internet for information about Hawaii and life there on its islands. And what I found both surprised me and stirred in me a burning desire I hadn't expected. 

I discovered that in recent years at the time, Hawaii had begun experiencing a major increase in homelessness and poverty. Contrary to what I had thought, there was actually a great need and opportunity to serve and show God's love there. And rather than reluctance, I now longed to go there and put His love to action. 

I couldn't believe how many people were in need there. Yet no one ever talked about it. The media and tourism industry never showed that side of the island life. The postcards and calendars never created a picture of anything besides sunny beaches, hula girls, and surf boards. 

When I realized that there was, in fact, a need for missions service there in Hawaii, it was all of the confirmation I needed. Without a doubt, I knew then in my heart that I would go to Hawaii someday and serve the Lord among the people living there. 

I didn't know when or for how long. Perhaps it would be only for a few years. Perhaps it would be permanently and I would live there and raise my family there. I didn't know. I felt confident however that my work in Hawaii would come in the future after being married, maybe even later in life after my children would be grown and moved out. Regardless of how many years it would be, I planned that it would years before the Lord called me to serve Him in Hawaii. Still, that burden was so strong on my heart, I felt compelled to begin preparing for my time spent there someday.

For personal reasons, I was hesitant to share openly my desire to engage in missions in specifically Hawaii. I feared that my reasons for wanting to serve there would be misinterpreted. But I did share my newly-awakened passion for homeland missions, missions work right there in our United States, and I slowly began trying to accustom myself and my parents to the possibility of my not living in Georgia forever. 

Though I never voiced my desire to serve in ministry in Hawaii, my growing love for Hawaii, its culture, and its people became evident. It began showing through to my parents, my best friends, and those closest around me. My parents and my friends were wholly accepting of the sudden change in my interests. They not only tolerated it but supported me in it, my mom perhaps most of all. She understood that it was my new "thing," and having always been my greatest cheerleader, she encouraged my big dreams and my interests. 

Hawaii became my passion: it was difficult and even impossible at times to keep it to myself and not talk about it. In the next few years, it slowly became a part of who I was until whenever my family or friends saw anything relating to Hawaii, they came to think of me. It began permeating my life in trivial ways and began touching even the lives of those closest to me. 

       From the beauty products I used

            The foods I ate and drank 

       ("Hawaiian Heartthrob Smoothie")

                   The prints I wore

               The jewelry I collected

              How I spent my free time

                 Even to my first car 

      (which I named "Leilani," one of my 

             favorite Hawaiian names)

I began learning as much as I could all about Hawaii and life there. In some ways, the lifestyle was very different from my life in Georgia and from the familiar Hispanic culture on my mother's side of our family. I would stay up late far into the night, reading about the place, its history, and the native culture still rooted there. Unbeknownst to anyone, I downloaded onto my iPhone an app of Native Hawaiian words and, though I knew people in Hawaii spoke English, I began slowly teaching myself the native language, learning the Hawaiian alphabet and several vocabulary words. I also began training my ear to decipher Pidgin, the Hawaiian slang creole dialect. 

As the months wore on, I found my will being conformed to the Lord's will more every day. His desires and plans for my future were becoming my desires and my plans for my future. He had planted seeds in my heart of a burden for people in Hawaii and those seeds had begun growing now. I was excited and with the more time I spent learning and preparing for my future time there, the more I grew to love the place and the people and their culture.